4am thoughts/

Have you ever had a nagging suspicion at the back of your mind that you are, and will never be good enough?
That no matter what you do, you can't block the noises out of your head?
That perhaps when people ask you out, it's out of obligation and not because they enjoy your company?
That perhaps when people do something nice for you, it's not because they want to, but because it's a nice thing to do and it eases their guilt?
That perhaps you were someone's last choice all along..
That they would jump over the fence at any opportunity something " better" appears?

Because why would anyone treat you like a gem when you are merely sub-par.
There are 7 billion people on this earth, what audacity to think that you could be someone's universe.
Remember that. You are mediocre and replaceable.
There is no such thing as indispensable.
Do not, ever, fool yourself to believe that someone's world would stop spinning when you are not in it....
I know this all too well. We need confirmation and approval from others (Maslow's hierarchy of needs) we need people to let us know that our presence make a difference in their lives. We need that. We need that to feel good about ourselves. We all came to this world to make an impact on somebody's life. It is difficult to digest that while you try your best to make your mark, no one is going to remember everything you do, or anything at all when you leave.

Oblivion; The state of something that is not remembered, used, or thought about anymore.

Don't we all have the fear of becoming oblivion?
But what's the step before becoming oblivion? Being replaced.

A father can replace his family he had been with for decades, with a new one.
A lover can replace his partner by a moment of lust for a sultry woman.
A friend can replace another friend for various reasons.

But why would any of this even take place if you meant so much to them? Maybe you were a bad child. Maybe you were just not enough for your father to stay for you. Maybe you were a bad lover. You could not satisfy your mens needs, maybe you weren't up to his standards of beauty. Maybe you just fall short of everything. Maybe you were a bad friend. Accept it, maybe you're just....not enough.


I am not sad. This post is not triggered by anything.

I have a blissful family, happy relationship with an awesome bf and a few good friends I can call up anytime who would be there for me. All these, i'm grateful. I'm considered lucky really. When I look at my life , there is really nothing more that I would dare ask for without me seeming greedy.

But somehow the more contented i am, the more i'm afraid. It's like holding sand in your palms and watching it slip through your fingers.
Do  I deserve these people in my life?  Why would they stay with me? Obligation? Responsibility?
I can't rid the thought in my mind. Everyone is just waiting for someone "better" to come to replace me.
My head hurts.