Been a long time...

Hello there.
It's been ... a little longer than a while since I've been here to pen down my two-cents.
Ahhh, indeed, this surge of familiarity--- it used to be my daily routine.
Nostalgic.


I don't deny I miss the freedom of typing whatever I like,
whenever I want,
about wherever I went,
and whoever I met.
I took pleasure in documenting each and every emotion or event that took place then.
I was happy and honestly, I didn't give two cares about what was thought of me.

As we ushered in 2015, I was hopeful for a better year just like every single breathing soul.
Perhaps turning 24 did make me mature up. Or rather, it changed me into someone I didn't think I'd be.
Today, I type everything with caution, most of the time omitting negative feelings.
I exit entries that are typed out with anger, sorrows and unhappiness.
I will be told to remove any content that would reflect badly on another person, or myself.
Even though I may feel that it is unjustified, I would still obliged.
It has come to an extent that I felt like I was blogging to please more than blogging to document my day. I gradually stopped blogging altogether.

I used to believe in the saying that "Those who mind don't matter, and those that matter won't mind".
I do not care about people who comment about me before getting to know me personally, because obviously, they do not know me so I wouldn't bother about their own judgement.
I am slow to warm up to people, and that often comes off as me being arrogant and aloof.
I do not see the point of having many superficial friends you can say " Hi" on the streets, but nothing more. It sickens me more than anything else to be smiley to someone whom I detest deep in my heart.
I cannot bring myself to fake a smile or be nice, because I just can't.
I am frustrated whenever I am told to "fake it to make it" , if not it will reflect very poorly on myself just because I can't be as fake as someone else.

You know those perpetual instagram commenters and likers. It's so sickening. They like every one's photos and always comment insincere things like " why so pretty" or whatever on every picture to get into peoples' good books when obviously they don't mean shit. It's so annoying. I don't know if I'm the only person who feels this way. I have a natural barrier towards people who are overly nice.

Anyway, back to the point, I just find it so tiring to constantly sugar my words on my blog or instagram just to paint a nice picture of myself or whatever. I'd rather not post anything. Or in real life, I'd rather be at home over going out anytime, making small talks with people who are not genuinely concerned about my life and vice versa.

And then there are the people who can comment that I'm a bad person and people have to be careful of me... which to me is just so full of shit. These are the exact people to be wary of in my opinion.
Hello? I'm an open book. If murder was legal, I would be the one telling you to run for your life before I chase you down the streets with a knife. Somehow, in this world, I guess the way to survive is to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Stab them when noone is looking, and then act like the victim. It is so tiring... I'd rather not have these "friends".

The number of people I would consider friends... I can count with the number of fingers I have, and honestly, that is good enough for me.

I do have quite a bit of unhappiness in me, and if I was as eloquent and articulate as Amos Yee, I would be in a better position to express my grievances.
For now, I just feel jaded but I do hope for the strength to become more magnanimous forgiving, and less stubborn.