Day 05-- A time you thought about ending your own life

Didn't want to blog about this, that's why I skipped it and proceeded with day 06.
Decided to do so now, not because I'm suicidal, but I guess my views have changed, and this topic isn't as sensitive as before.
Before blogging this, I was actually reading The New Paper Thursday April 07, which inspired me to do this post.

" Myanmar girl studying here kills herself after jilted boyfriend allegedly slimes her on Facebook"

"     At about 9.40pm her cousin, 13 saw Khine ( deceased) going out and asked where she was going. Khine replied that she was going to the Popular book store at White Sands shopping centre.
     When the cousin asked if she could tag along, Khine said no.
    The cousin said that Khine had appeared depressed when she left.
    At about 10pm, Khine's mother and her aunt returned home.
    As they stepped into the flat, they heard a loud thud.
    When they realised that Khine was not at home, the aunt went to the ground floor and found the teenager lying there."

Following that was another article on a boy, aged 6, who died after falling 5 stories.
" His classmates had prepared a small booklet of well wishes. One of them, Charmayne wrote L " I love you Marson. I am sad because you fell down."

" His family had also placed some of his favourite clothes and toys in his coffin.
During the cremation, another boy, who appeared to be three, waved at the coffin and cried " Bye bye" repeatedly. "

Continued flipping the papers and headlines like " Second death at M'sian agency", " Eight bodies found so far" are all over.

I felt guilty after reading these. Those wars at Libya and Tsunami at Japan, leaving so many innocent people dead. Sigh, I think I talk, think, and take death too frivolously. There are of course times when I feel that I'm better off dead. Sometimes I think of taking my life to take revenge on people I feel should have treated me better. ( I know I know, it's really very childish, and not worth it.) I want them to experience the same kind of pain they put me through. And when I have such thoughts, I feel more terrible about myself, how could I have such thoughts, how could I want to put them through the same pain, when I clearly know that it sucks. What about the people who haven't done anything wrong to me. People who have always stayed by my side despite me pushing them away sometimes.... Just because one stupid person made me feel horrible about myself, I have to make so many cry... It's not fair. But of course I'm able to rationalise now. When I'm really feeling it, I feel like no one cares ... no one cares even if I die.. they will forget me within a few months. They may be sad for awhile, they may cry, they may miss me. But life goes on. They will do without me just fine, I mean I have never been important anyway.

I'm going to promise that I won't hurt myself anymore. I think the person I'll be letting down the most, is my mom. She's been through so much and she's still so strong. She tries her best to give me anything I want. Every where she goes, she thinks about what food to buy home for me. Let me tell you a little story. There was once I went missing when I was 18. Like I really disappeared. No one could find me anywhere. My mom called everyone possible.. Hanwei called all my JC friends, Felicia called my ex bf then, who also didn't know where I was... Came home, and my mother and sister burst into tears and hugged me the tightest ever. It was completely dramatic. I cried like mad too because my mother didn't scold me at all.... She said ' it's okay, don't cry.. as long as you're safely home, as long as you're safely home, mommy is always here'. And my sister was crying so hard she was really gasping for air. Sigh, I will never forget it. Called Hanwei to report that I was safe and she was so angry with me. She deserved to be! I also remember that she said she was going to come down to my house with Felissa then if I still didn't call them back. Then there was the ex bf who ran from his house to mine when I called him, and he was soaked in his tshirt full of sweat, which I later soaked it further with tears.

You see, even though people don't often show that they love you, or that they care, they do.Even though you feel like they've forgotten about you, they don't. I always say that I have a good heart, not because I make myself out to sound all angelic, but I see no point in bringing people down.... Like I feel quite lucky that, I've only got one mean comment on my formspring so far, but I have friends who have it a lot worse.Like every question is something bad you know? So she replies them in defense for herself.  I really question the intention behind these nasty comments... Before saying these hurtful or mean things to a person, have you all actually thought that your comments would have triggered someone to take their life away.. what if they were already having a very very very bad day? Can you live with that guilt? Just to gain some pathetic satisfaction for putting people down... Don't go to someone's wake and say " oh she's been a very sweet and thoughtful friend..." etc. when you didn't think so when she was alive. Or worse still, when you've been mean to him/her.

Sigh.. Idk la. In Primary 4, I lost a friend to tuberculosis. We weren't close, I've never talked to him before, but I wrote him letters while he stayed in the hospital. When he passed away I cried for 2 days.
Last year, I lost another friend, whom I spoke to twice or thrice. We had a lot a lot of things to talk about, I didn't expect this to happen. It was all because of a jerk and a nasty comment. I cried for a week. I still do think about her every now and then, and wonder how her friends and family are coping with it. Wonder how she's doing up there. Wonder how it would be, if it was me instead...


But from time to time, I receive texts from people telling me to be strong, anon formspring messages sharing their experiences and pain, and encouragement, all that just makes everything feel better. Really. Like I really feel that I'm blessed with a lot of good friends who care a lot about me. I really hope that none of you would ever do anything silly. As the saying goes, " you think you wanna die, but in fact, you just want to be saved." So please don't be rash. I'm sure at least someone, would trade their life to have you back in the world, believe me.

Have a nice day :)