Wzhn Allie

I was watching a video on VJ's hockey finals ' 09 and I could feel the goosebumps so strongly. If you had been passionate about something, you'd understand what I mean. This was one of the first few things I was taught in my life of hockey. When you think about what you want, the hunger, the passion, they should come from within. And as I'm typing it now, I can still feel it so strongly that it reflects on my skin.

I finally found something I was good at.

My weekdays were spent training and my weekends were spent playing club games. I committed thoroughly to it. I could foresee myself devoting at least 2 more decades of my life for this passion.

But no. At 17, I completely lost ALL interest in it. I would say friends played a vital role in this. It's putting us to fight against each other, after 4 years of overseas trips and intense training together. I only had 1 friend on my new team. It was only us. The two people from STC. The rest were from St niks and Crescent. And that made up about 10 people. It felt like it was 1 against 9 most of the time because I didn't mix around with them, I didn't feel comfortable. Very naturally, I started skipping trainings, couldn't wait to rush home after trainings and I was playing very half heartedly. I lost all passion. I wasn't as important as I was to this new team then to the one in my secondary school.

After watching the video, I finally found what's wrong with me. That's why I am up at 2am typing this. I finally found out what's the problem. I need a strong sense of belonging. I need to feel important and useful. And this is reflected in my school life now. JC was bearable because I had good classmates who helped me with my studies and constantly asking me along for outings even though I still didn't want to open up to them then. But now. Sense of belonging to SMU is zero. This is a sick place. I feel useless and a waste of space and money every time I attend school. What's wrong with me. How can anyone hate school till this extent. I am so upset that I lost the fire in me. This drive. It's gone. Diminished for good. There's not even like a flicker of light left. It's completely burnt out. I also stopped playing hockey because I thought it was a waste of my time when I could be using that time to earn money instead, on top of that we have to pay club fees, jersey fees, registration fees and all that. I hate growing up. I've become so realistic. I let my passion die. And now I have nothing left.