I know I haven't always been blogging about nice things about "my friend" as you all should know.. My emotions are demons in me. Most of the time it eats up my mind. He doesn't know any of these emotions I feel unless I break down sometimes. Most of the time I'll be chatting with him happily and in his mind, we are very happy together, because that is something that I want to portray to him. I want to hide away this ugly needy side of me. Every time I show people my affection, it scares them away. I am ashamed of being this plain jane who expects all his love, and be his only. Because who am I to deserve this? I am not that kind that constantly need attention or affection. But transparency, loyalty, faith and space are my musts in a relationship. Sometimes I feel that it's unfair that I pin all these relationship aspects i want , on him. Because after all , we are just friends right? So whatever you read here, is not a true reflection of what is between us. He had never been bad to me or treated me poorly. On the contrary, as you can see in my happy posts, he is really a very sweet boy at heart. His devotion is what I loved about him in the beginning which I gradually grew to dislike over the months, because his devotion is not for me. Even though he tries his best to reassure me, I can't be convinced. So he is very helpless too... and i don't want to show him this side of me because i don't want him to get tired of constantly having to reassure me. I don't want him to get tired of me. My addition to his life should only bring positivity and happiness, and not make his life any harder right? I am in love with the idea of unconditional love. If I can unlove someone because of a fault, then i don't even love him right? Who doesn't make mistakes anyway. So whenever any aspect of what I want in a relationship is not present anymore, I cannot bring myself to walk away from it... He always has his faith in me, because he knows, and is sure that he is the sole possessor of my heart. It is not difficult to trust somebody who give their entire heart to you. My faith in him, however, stays despite the number of times he had challenged it. I always feel upset because I don't know how much further I can push myself to hold on to this naive faith I have. We give each other lots of space and that is good. But space and trust work hand in hand. More trust, more space, no? Sadly transparency or honesty haven't been the easiest for us , because of his warped idea of keeping things from me can protect me from unnecessary insecurities or sadness. Sigh. . anyway I don't know why I just continued rambling on when all I wanted to say is that I don't want you all to think he is a bad person even before i get to disclose who he is! ( If i even get the chance to disclose it lol ) And this is the part when i get sad again because I know that him and I, will just always be in the shadows.. and I'm being foolish for hoping again. But when I think about how it isn't easy for him too... I will just keep quiet and fade back into darkness lol.
Cause when you never see the light, it's hard to see which one of us is caving.
2 comments:
Sigh. Maybe you should just try to be more positive. Sometimes it's really all in your head.... Like you're making yourself sad only sometimes? Hahaha I do that to myself too occasionally. Most importantly you should live in the moment and not worry about tomorrows because why worry about something you can't control? Celebrate life man, because it is very short. Don't waste so much time thinking about all the unhappy, negative things. By the way, don't you think that if you look at things in a different way it'll be better? E.g. The part about how he doesn't tell you everything because he doesn't want you to be sad? Sometimes ignorance is really bliss. You don't have to know everything to trust someone. Isn't trust supposed to be something that's done voluntarily? As in... You trust that the person doesn't do bad things to you vs you trust the person because you know he doesn't do bad things? Hahaha anyway have a good life Weizhen, because you deserve to be happy!!!
Thank you for your comment, because it really woke me up a little. I agree with you that it is usually all in my head, but my gut feelings have always been very accurate :( Haha, Great minds there though! I have alwats lived in the moment and not worry about tomorrows. Why else do you think I can date people i don't intend to marry just as long as we are happy. I would of course think about my own future, but i haven't envision any one to be part of it yet. Can't help being negative since it's safer than be positive and than being let down , know what i mean? IBut isn't your way of thinking a little warped? I mean... if he knows i'll be sad and he still does it.. then does he really care for me? How can ignorance be bliss, it is just living in denial... That's just how i think, if you can correct me, please do! But i especially love the part you said that i shouldn't trust a person because he doesn't do bad, but more like I should trust that he wldnt do bad. that changed my mindset a little! But i guess the trust also has to be gained.. if a person keeps hiding things from you is it possible to trust? Haha anyway when you say " have a good life" you sound like him. Thanks for leaving me this message, it certainly made me more positive!
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