Failure

Hi, just got home from a whole day of work.
I'm seriously a bag of shag now.
There'll always this show I'll watch on channel 855 at 11pm to 1145pm, so since I came home from work. I got home at 1130pm. So I told mommy that I want to watch that show. And she said she wants to watch her Korea show cause that show I want to watch isn't nice. And we can only watch in the living room because the TVs in our rooms don't have cable. So I'm like... huh but I want to watch.... And she just insisted on watching her show? I was so sad I wanted to cry.

I mean.... I just came home from a whole day of work and you won't even let me watch TV for 15mins??
And you've been home the entire day, you probably watched yr entire day away, and you don't even let me watch for 15mins...?

URGH. So I went to turn my laptop on while waiting for the heater to heat up to shower.
Blog hopped and like ohmygod........ EVERYONE IS SO THIN NOW.
I mean honestly right, I am not fat. But because everyone is so thin, I feel obese in comparison U_U
I really shouldn't be complaining because I chose to eat.
And I seriously....... need to lose weight now, I seriously am going to try my best to eat as little as possible. I feel soooo bad about myself. It's like every time I see someone I haven't seen a while, I'll go " WTF YOU DAMN SKINNY NOW WTF" Why always I say to people. If I continue eating confrm someone will come tell me WTF YOU DAMN FAT NOW WTF WEIZHEN WTF.
Honestly, who doesn't want to be those who eat a lot and won't grow fat. I know they say just eat and be happy. But nooo if I eat and become fatter I obviously won't be happy???Yah I'm superficial like that.


INSECURE MAX NOW. I swear. omgggg~~~~~~

Then .. I went on another social platform and I saw something which tugged at my heart strings.
You probably wouldn't know what I'm referring to, it doesn't matter. It is this feeling I am talking about, which I guess we have all experienced before.
For a while now, I thought I was no longer bothered by it, but I was wrong. When I saw it just now, I felt an ache in my heart. How is this possible. I've put it all behind. I don't want to be compared. It's just this feeling, you thought you'd always be someone special but NO? It's like , you've been uprooted from his/her life and thrown with the rest of the unwanted/useless people. DESPITE EVERYTHING. LIKE, YOU CAN'T JUST DO THAT?
Urgh, why am i even affected. No. I'm not. I just dislike this feeling.... Like...I've never existed before.

Moving on, I can't deny that I feel very stressed out whenever Saturday is nearing. Of course of course of course I'm happy that Cy is booking out. But I can literally feel the weight of his happiness on my shoulders. You see, it's not that Cy doesn't feel happy when he's with me. ( I hope) But he only gets one night out, and he wants to do a lot of things and make good use of his time. But I don't know how?? I feel so bad whenever he's like bored... It's like, I'm supposed to plan what to do!! But it's impossible. I really tried. There's nothing he likes to do other than poker and clubbing. And for poker you've got to book slots for it. And clubbing~~~~ but we always can't find people to go even though we have quite a lot of mutual friends~~ PLUS. He doesn't want to club without me~ So like?????? He won't go anywhere that I won't go. I'm seriously a fucking burden???

I find my existence a complete burden to myself, my family and everyone else.